Christian Dolan

August 2009, I was living in Twickenham, Middlesex, just outside of London, in a flat share with friends from University. I was working part time and was in the early stages of a new relationship. Life was great.

 

As a child I was rarely ill. That summer I had started to feel quite weak, faint and seemed to be getting irregular colds which were unusual for me. I felt I would be wasting the doctor’s time and went to my local pharmacy to get some antibiotics. Two weeks later I felt unwell again and my partner persuaded me to go to my doctor.

 

The doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with me so suggested they run blood tests. As a sexually active gay man, I did consider HIV as a possibility, but thought about how I was always safe, I got tested regularly and I was young so thought there’s no way I could have it.

 

Five days later, Wednesday 19^th August the doctor was telling me to sit down and said to me the four words which changed my life “You are HIV positive”. I was numb; I sat in silence then asked “How long do I have to live?” because surely, this was now a death sentence and my clock was ticking.

I remember leaving the surgery and thinking I have to be at work in a few hours, and then I realised I had to tell my partner. We were only three months into our relationship and I thought he was going to go mad at me. Would he even want to see me again? I prepared myself for what I saw as the inevitable, that he would walk out, resent and hate me. I was scared, reality hit and I knew I had to go home to an empty flat.  I burst into tears in the middle of the street.

 

My partner came rushing back from work, which seemed like the longest two hours and my best friend rushed over to see me as soon as she could so I had people around me. I was fortunate to have a great support system to help me though that day. The next day my partner got tested and discovered he was positive too. We made a promise to get through this together.

 

Over the coming weeks I thought I was handling the news well. I met my HIV consultant for the first time and he said I didn’t need to go on medication yet and I was fighting fit. I hadn’t told all of my family members yet which I was worried about as I didn’t want them thinking I was seriously ill or going to die.

About six weeks later I had a nervous breakdown, I remember waking up and realising I slept through my alarm and was late for work and I just collapsed to the floor and started crying. It had all become too much for me to deal with, it was from this point onwards I began my rapid downhill spiral.

 

I started arguing with my partner a lot more, sometimes over meaningless things. I was pushing him away and I couldn’t see it. My friends began to notice a big change in me. I had become more withdrawn with unpredictable mood swings. The only thing keeping me going was my job.  I used it as an outlet to block everything out and try to reassure myself that I was okay and dealing with it.

 

Things became worse and eventually I hit rock bottom. My partner and I went out into town for a night out with my flatmates and friends. The night was fun and we all had a lot to drink. We got a cab home when I suddenly took a turn. It was as though I had become Jekyll and Hyde. I was fine all night but then became suddenly withdrawn in the cab. We parked outside our flat and I ran up the stairs ahead of everyone, locking myself in my room. I refused to answer when my friends called me. This eventually led them to breaking the door down and me trying to fight everyone, including my partner. I got arrested that night for domestic assault and spent the night in a police station until I sobered up.

 

I got home and was given an ultimatum from my partner and flatmates – see a therapist or lose them all. I had become so selfish. I began hating everyone, including myself.  I was especially horrible to my partner who was going through the same thing and yet all I seemed to care about was myself.

I sought therapy and counselling which helped me immensely and overtime began to realise it was not a death sentence. I had a lot of making up to do with my partner and friends if I wanted them to stick by me.

18 months of therapy later and I had started to feel sane and in control of myself once again. I had broken the chains I let this illness hold over me and I began to let it no longer control me. I was in control and I had the power.

 

It’s been nearly four and a half years since my diagnosis. My partner and I separated after 2 years for reasons unrelated to HIV, but we still talk from time to time. I have a lot to thank him (and my friends) for, I probably wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for him and I will always be grateful to him for that. He was so strong and stuck by me, helping me through the darkest time of my life even though he himself was going through the same thing.

 

I’m in control, I am strong and I have the will power. I am not a stigma. I am a man in my mid-twenties who happens to be positive. But I am in control. I am dating again which is a scary prospect as you never quite know what reaction you will get from people, but it’s a challenge I am taking each day at a time.

 

My message to you: Never give up, life goes on and it can only be as good as you are willing to let it be.