15.01.14

 

'Hendrix'

Hailing from Africa, 'Hendrix' talks to us about his sexual adventures, exploring the dating scene, using dating apps and how as a HIV- guy,  he thinks the society stigmatises those who are positive.

 

"Having been born and bred in Africa until my early teens I have always been aware of HIV/AIDS but never actually came across anyone who was living with it or so I was lead to believe because of the stigma attached to it..." - 'Hendrix'

 

 I have been fortunate enough to have been aware of my sexuality from a very early age as this has helped me avoid that awkward stage of confusion and uncertainty. Compared to most teenagers, I was a late bloomer as I didn’t start dating or having sex until I turned 18. I think this was partly due to the fact that I lived in a small town where I didn’t know anyone who was openly gay, around my age and who I could talk to.

 

This all changed when one of my friends introduced me to one her openly gay friends who I will call *Simon who was from London (what I thought of as the big city at the time, yeah I know very country bumpkin of me). It was very refreshing and also exhilarating at the time to have someone who was my age and fairly experienced who I could ask questions and get perspective on dating guys, the pending issue of sex and the do’s and don’ts (I quickly came to discover that what works for one person won’t always work for you as an individual).

 

My newfound friend was also kind enough to refer me to a few dating sites that cater to gay guys, which for me, that is when things got exciting. I don’t think I had mentally prepared myself for this new world I was about to enter even with all the horror stories my friend Simon had told me about his own experiences.

 

These were the beginnings of my life as a gay man living in the UK. Cut to 5 months after my introduction to the dating sites and more than my fair share of experiences which I think varied from disastrous to just plain hideous. I was ready to call it a day and consider life as an asexual hermit when I met my first boyfriend via Myspace (ironic right?).

 

He helped restore my faith in humanity and it was like all the pieces that were missing came together and everything made sense for once…oh and I also lost my virginity *insert smiley face*. That relationship lasted for a year before I realised I wanted to explore my sexuality more before settling down.

 

Now single and ready to mingle, I got introduced to the gay scene. At that time I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread; I mean what was not to like! There was good music, hot guys, alcohol and…more hot guys. I soon grew tired of it once I discovered how incestuous it can be but will always be grateful as it helped shape me into the person I am today.

 

Through all my years of dating I have noticed a change in the gay scene and dating in general as there has been a shift due to the introduction of mobile phone apps like Grindr, Jack’d etc. These apps have helped and hindered in a way. When I was 18 and unaware that there were other gay people around me, my life would have been made so much easier by the accessibility of everything these apps offer as everything is mobile and you can talk to someone with the click of a button.

 

On the other side of the coin, this accessibility has made dating and getting into a relationship that much harder. Sex is now so easily available that a lot of guys don’t feel the need to get into a relationship if their sexual desires can be fulfilled at the click of a few buttons. In a way, the element of courtship has been taken away and replaced with something quick, easy and in some cases, sleazy.

 

I also don’t feel this has helped with the stigma attached to the LGBT community about promiscuity which has lead a lot of misinformed people looking in from the outside (straight folk to you and me) who think that because of this supposed promiscuity, to quote an ignorant family member of mine, “HIV/AIDS is mainly spread by those in the LGBT community”.

 

Having been born and bred in Africa until my early teens I have always been aware of HIV/AIDS but never actually came across anyone who was living with it or so I was lead to believe because of the stigma attached to it, which made people living with it unwilling to speak out about it and dispel any ignorance that people may have.

 

I have found this to be the same in the LGBT community as up until a few years ago I had not met who was willing to come out (no pun intended) and speak on their experiences on living with HIV/AIDS. In a way this has helped me understand the human side of being HIV+ instead of it being something I just read on a poster or a book where I don’t get to understand the ups and downs, the emotions and day to day living that I would have been ignorant to before.   

 

Being from a small town where everyone pretty much knows each other and each other’s business, I have come across members of the LGBT community who are HIV+ but unwilling to disclose their status or discuss it.

 

Naturally I have a curious nature and I have wanted to ask questions but didn’t feel it right to press upon a subject they were clearly not willing to discuss and would much rather conceal in hopes that the rumours had not spread. This truly made me feel sad for them because the ignorance of others made them feel they had to live in shame in order to maintain what they feel is a healthy dating/ sex life free of persecution.

 

I hope that this stigma will one day disappear and people’s ignorance will be no more. People with HIV are not whores, sluts or disgusting. They are human like you and me, give them the respect they deserve like you would anyone else and like you want reciprocated onto you.

 

*name has been changed to protect his identity