Stephen Cummins

"So, when as yours?..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dating terrifies me.

 

I am, I'm sorry to say, single again. It was not something I wanted or would have chosen, but there we are. In November, after 5 years in a relationship, I am going back to the beginning.

 

I was advised that the best thing I could do is to put myself back out there and sign up to a few dating websites. Now, I hate writing a CV, to me, trying to sell myself on a dating website is like pulling teeth. I would sooner give up and become a monk.

 

While writing the dating profile I started wondering about how to deal with the HIV.I have always, and will always be honest and up front with lovers and partners, I guess I want to give them the choice I never had.

 

I have in the past used my HIV as a filtering system, I'd tell a guy straight off the bat and then proceed based on the reaction too it, suffice to say that many fell by the wayside. I decided that, rather than having to just drop it into conversation, I'd include it on the profile itself. - It now says "I'm a normal guy with HIV", job done.It means that anyone who chats to me will know already, and anyone I chat with will find out without my having to have 'that' conversation.

 

The outcome has been fairly positive, I have had several people get in touch with me just to ask questions, - I am a one man info centre, others have started chatting without an issue and inevitably, some that I have started chatting too have made it clear that I am about as welcome in their life as dry rot.

 

My reaction could be to get upset, I could spend days weeping in bed surrounded by chocolate wrappers and reeking of gin and despair, but no, instead I ask when their last test was. The responses are varied, but, in roughly 80% of cases the other guys last test was more than 18 months, in which one of them later said he'd slept with 100 people.

 

The longest was 8 years.I take pride in being able to challenge the thinking and say that, in that respect, I'm a much safer prospect given that I am usually getting checked once every 6 if not 3 months at my regular blood tests, so I have a much better handle on my sexual health than some people.I'm also very proud of the fact that I have a 100% success rate in persuading people who had been judgemental of my health, but staggeringly ignorant of their own to go and get checked out.

 

A good 50% come back to me afterwards telling me that it turns out they had something.It is a sad truth that there are people less honest than me on some of these sites and that STD's are still on the rise.One of the guys I'd chatted too who's initial comments on my HIV were "Is it true you can pass it through kissing" got back in touch with me recently over a coffee to say that, after our chat, he had gone for a test, and had been diagnosed as HIV+

 

I was, I'll admit, gutted for him, - he thinks he picked it up about 3 years ago but can't be sure and so is now trying to get in touch with all his partners since his last test in 2009. He thanked me for challenging him and for making sure he caught it. We parted with a hug, him with a much better awareness of his own health and me with a new friend.

 

I've not met anyone new yet and my Valentines day was spent watching horror movies and demolishing a pizza, but I'm not worried, it turns out the second longest relationship I've had, or am likely to have is with a virus - love me, love my HIV.

 

The longer me and the virus live together, the more we learn to respect one another. It knows I am not prepared to give up and will fight it, looking after myself far better than I used too, until my last breath when, in the act of dying, I will take it down with me and I know that it will always be there, stalking me and waiting for any weakness in my immune system.Now, thinking of dating and the recent Valentines Day in particular there is one other thing that I need to mention, that is my longest relationship, that which outdates even my HIV.

 

Not counting family, there is one person with whom I have been fortunate enough to enjoy a very happy relationship with for the last 10 years.Valentines day is when we acknowledge the people we love, but I know of no solid rule that this must be romantic love, it can just as easily be someone with whom you have a deep friendship and whom you love like a brother or sister and who make life bearable.

 

So I dedicate this blog to Samantha Patten, with whom I have laughed, lived and loved for the last decade and because of whom my HIV is not so scary because I know that, single or not, I will not be on my own.

 

Happy Anniversary Sammy.