Becky Mitchell

A Woman's Worth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was first diagnosed in August 2012, my doctor suggested I contacted the Terrence Higgins Trust (THT) in Bristol.  Unfortunately, the conversation with my doctor was around 5:30pm on a Friday so I had to wait until the following Monday to phone them.  In the meantime, I googled THT and had a look at their website to get some more information.  After reading some facts about HIV, I found my way to the Community Forum and registered a profile.

 

I had a read through some of the sections which covered things like being newly diagnosed to treatment, disclosure, discrimination, benefits, work and travel.  A lot of the questions I had, I didn't actually need to ask because they had already been asked and answered by people living with HIV.  Within hours of being diagnosed, I had found somewhere I felt safe in the knowledge that I could ask anything and speak freely.  The people on the site that night gave me more reassurance and support than they will ever know.

 

It was a difficult weekend because I was still living with the person who had infected me and my diagnosis had caused some issues.  He couldn't understand why I was upset and said that it wasn't the 1980s anymore, that the medication was really good and I would be fine.  I was told not to talk about it or get upset because it made him angry and feel guilty.  At the time, I felt like what had happened was being blamed on me and that I was faulty in some way.  Alarm bells should have started ringing then that he was only concerned about how this was affecting him.

 

During my lunch break on the Monday, I phoned THT and left a message for one of the counsellors.  She phoned me back a little while later and it was such a relief to talk to someone about it and more importantly, it was a relief to talk to a woman.  We made an appointment for me to go to the offices on the Friday afternoon for a face to face meeting.

 

I took the Friday afternoon off work and made my way to THT's offices.  The woman I met, B, put me at my ease straightaway.  She made me a coffee then we sat down and talked.  I explained what had happened and she listened and reassured me that how I was feeling was normal.  This was comforting because I had very little support over the weekend and was told not to tell anyone - again, it was about him and what he thought people would think of him.

 

B was very supportive over the next few weeks and invited me along to the Women's Group meeting as she felt it would really benefit me as I'd get to meet some other women living with HIV.  When I got home, I mentioned this to him and said the meeting was from 11:30 until 3:30 and he said he didn't want to spend that much time on his own so I didn't go.  A massive fail on my part.

 

What happened during the next 12 months is something I don't want to revisit right now - I will tell the whole story one day.  Anyway, a year later in August 2013 (around the first anniversary of my diagnosis), everything finally became clear and I knew I had to get away from him.

 

I got back in touch with B and as luck would have it, there was a Women's Group meeting on 31 August and I decided to go.  In the meantime, I had messaged a woman on the THT forum who was recently diagnosed because she lived in Bristol and offered my support.  We arranged to meet up, have a picnic and spend the afternoon looking for Gromits.  This was the first woman I'd met in person who was living with HIV and we had similar interests so it ended up being a lovely afternoon.  We arranged to meet up on the Saturday morning for a coffee and then go to the Women's Group meeting together.

 

We arrived at THT's offices, met some of the women who had already arrived and the therapist who was providing some massage as it was a pampering themed meeting.  We had a coffee and chatted, had some massage and then had some lunch.  The women at the group arrived and left at various times, it was entirely our choice as to how long we stayed and that made it feel more relaxed.  I spoke to a few of the women who were on treatment as I was thinking about volunteering for the START study.  They were really kind and shared some of their personal experiences with me.  On that day, I felt some solidarity and the isolation I had felt over the last year began to subside.  My closest friends have been absolutely amazing but none of them have HIV so there are obviously some things I don't ask them and they probably wouldn't feel comfortable giving an opinion on something they don't have any experience of - even though they'd try, that's how amazing they are!

 

I missed the next Women's Group meeting in October but I went to the most recent one in January.  I'd been talking to another woman on the forum who was recently diagnosed and I told her about the THT offices in Bristol and let her know there was a meeting coming up and encouraged her to come along.  She did and we  hit it off straightaway. I think she got a lot out of it, especially meeting the other women.  I know I got a lot of out it and I made a promise to myself that I would come along to all of the future meetings.  I said I wanted to get more involved and that work had asked if I would be interested in helping with an awareness session through the Women's Network.  I work for a large organisation and I know it would have the potential to reach a lot of people.  I know that when I was newly diagnosed, I could have really benefitted from a woman's perspective and because of my circumstances and stupidity, I didn't pursue that until much later - better late than never though!

 

I have some wonderful women in my life.  Women I went to school with, women I work (and have worked) with, women I train with, women I socialise with and women I've never met (via the Forum, Facebook and Twitter).  They don't all know each other and some of them will never know each other but every single one of them is kind, encouraging, inspiring, strong and always supportive.  Without them, I certainly wouldn't have got through those difficult, early days.  I'm very fortunate and I make sure I tell them often how dear they are to me.

 

As I've said before - I'm still the same woman I was before my diagnosis, only stronger and wiser.